Queering the Triathlete (and Other Discomforts)

A Melancholy Zebra determined to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

The Goal: Kersplatting All Over The Place


The search is over, folks. J and I discovered the secret to mindfulness over chocolate ( = better than coffee) this morning:

It’s about kersplatting all over the place.

How does one learn to do anything without botching it terribly first?

The first time I drove a car, I accelerated it into a tree. (I thought the accelerator was the brake. My bad.) The first time I tried aerial silks, I fell over myself at least twice. The first time I found that person who had been missing from my life… well that went belly up like a turtle that tripped over a boulder while running too fast. It was an utterly nonsensical mess.

It went kersplat.

But never again can I judge another person for mistaking the accelerator for the brake, for falling on their face, or for dropping the piece that made their puzzleheart whole (or even intentionally sucking it up with the vacuum cleaner.)

It’s difficult to be mindful of life’s nail bombs until you’ve picked the metal shrapnel out of your ass one by one.

That’s not to say, of course, that you ought to run around finding every chaotic fuckhole to fall in so you can understand everything. (I tried that strategy. In fact, I’m still doing it. Do as I say, not as I spaz. This much knowledge does not lead to happy.)

And even being mindful will likely go kersplat. Thoughts all over the place. Let me introduce you to my internal processes while attempting to count ten breaths:

One… Excellent I can do this! Ah shit, that’s a distraction…
One… Two… aaannndddd I just scratched my nose. Oh well. It won’t itch again, so now I can focus.
One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Fuck yes I’ve got this (oh FUCK…)
One… Two… Three… Four…. So relaxing OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
One… Two… Oh hell, I’m going to go get a snack.

And noticing my thoughts doesn’t simply go: “judging, judging” but “judging self for judging”, “judging for second order judgments,” “judging pretentious vocabulary”, “judging hypocrisy,” “judging that again”, “cussing, cussing,” “judging crassness,” “So. Much. Cussing.”

Clean up the cognitive kersplat one fuck at a time.

For the Love of Metta,

P.S. I know it has been a while since I posted. Holidays. Family. Stress. Training. Head. Desk. Accidental. Lobotomy.

2 thoughts on “The Goal: Kersplatting All Over The Place

  1. A laugh share is a trouble halved. Please keep writing. I feel human when you take the piss out of how I feel. Any tips on how to stop compulsive self pity. It’s me this, me that and yet I have identity issues, no goals. It is crazy when you think about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I’ve been having writers’ block (and being a self-pitying ass) for a while, so I’m thinking that’s a decent topic. Let’s see if I can do it. One post coming up!


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