Tonight, I want to share something I wrote maybe a year ago. It’s an excerpt from an expository piece I wrote on my time in a South Carolina psych ward. I don’t expect any trigger warnings in here, but if you’ve been committed before, take some care.
Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. -Jack Kornfield
But surely… surely if I dwell on it enough, replay it in my head enough, examine every little detail enough, I’ll figure out that it actually didn’t go that way! C’mon, Jack! What’s wrong with you? *pause* All right. That’s how one creates a delusion, however minor. That’s how “You hurt my feelings” turns into “You’re the BIGGEST BITCH in the ENTIRE WORLD!” and “We’ll call you” turns into “We think you’re so fucking awesome and will give you a bell at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning as the second ticks.”
But surely… surely if I just do things right this time, how things are now will look exactly like how things were then, and it’s like the past never existed! Magic Eraser! I can fix this! It can go back to normal!
… No? That’s not how it works?